I woke up, sweating, my face wet with tears, acutely aware of the feeling of something pressing down on my chest. My tear-soaked pillow felt cool against the back of my neck, and I realized quickly what the suffocating weight was. I wear a thin, silver chain around my neck now. On it hangs a ring, a chain of intertwined hearts made to resemble infinity symbols. The ring feels indescribably heavy, not because of its mass but because of the weight of the truth that it carries. I should not have this ring. I should have only the ring that I wear on my finger, not the matching set. Having both acts as a reminder of what I have lost, of how I have been left behind.
Just over two months ago, I said goodbye to my best friend and little sister for the last time. Although not technically related, Raegan and I shared a bond that was second-to-none, and indistinguishable from that of biological sisters. We met through the Big Brothers Big Sisters mentorship program just over six years ago, and since then my life has been forever changed.
After losing Raegan, I have found it very hard to “create”. My heart is broken, my soul exhausted. The very sources of my inspiration are pre-occupied with processing a loss that I never anticipated. The ring feels as though it carries a great weight, but truly, I bear this weight upon my shoulders every day. I have come to understand that this weight will never lessen, but that I will just become stronger and more apt at navigating life’s obstacles while carrying it. I know that loving her and losing her has changed my trajectory, and that Raegan will be the muse for the rest of my life’s endeavours. But right now, I struggle to write about her without being overwhelmed by grief. Even the happiest of memories are clouded by the darkness of the reality that we will never make more. One day, I will tell our story, but today is not that day. For now, I would just like to share the words that I spoke at Raegan’s wake. They are far from all-encompassing. But for now, they will have to do:
On Monday, I said “see you later” to the greatest person to walk into my life–my best friend and my little sister, Raegan. Although not biologically related, our bond was proof to me that water can sometimes run as thick as blood, and she will always be family to me.
I met Raegan six years ago through Big Brothers Big Sisters. When we met, Raegan was quiet, shy, and believe it or not—a few inches shorter than me. Over our time together, I was privileged to watch Raegan grow from that quiet, shy girl, into a beautiful, vibrant and strong big sister, daughter, friend and young woman.
While at first, our conversations were tentative and slow, it wasn’t long before she was greeting me with a punch in the arm and a jab asking about whether or not I had finally grown yet—the answer was always no. Our exchanges ranged from “I love you’s” and “I miss you’s”, to eye-rolls coupled with, “You’re right weeeeird”. Little did she know, anything weird I did was just an effort to hear her beautiful laugh. No matter the nature of our exchanges or the time in between them, they were always rooted in love. Raegan welcomed me into her life with open arms, and gave me the chance to know her for who she really was.
I read somewhere that God’s promises shine down as rays of hope, cut through the darkest skies and shower us with warmth. For me and many others, God’s promises shone down through Raegan, Ii’niikiinaasooyaakii—our “Ray of Sunshine”. Her smile could light up the darkest of rooms, and her laugh bring warmth to the coldest of days. Her hope for the future was inextinguishable, and her love was deeper and freer than any other. Everyone who had the chance to know her was made better because of it—myself included.
Meeting Raegan is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I would not be half the woman I am today without her influence. She believed in me, supported me, and called me out when I needed it most. Although, in age, I was technically her big sister—she taught me a level of love, compassion and resilience that most will never have the chance to know. I learned as much, if not more, from Raegan than she learned from me. I became a better person and made better choices simply because I knew that she was watching.
I will miss Raegan every day for the rest of my life. I will miss her in all of the big moments she was meant to witness: as I graduate university, when I walk down the aisle, when I become a mother to her nieces and nephews, as I watch her younger sisters grow into beautiful young women. But I will miss her just as much in the ordinary moments, in my day-to-day. Raegan was and is a part of me, and the knowledge that she is no longer with us will never be far from my mind. Her absence on this Earth will be felt daily, and I can honestly say that I have no idea how to do this without her. But I can take some solace in the knowledge that Raegan’s spirit will walk alongside me every day, and will live on in all of those she loved and all of those who loved her.
I want to thank Raegan’s mom, Shawna, for allowing me be (as she called it), Raegan’s “Little-Big Sister”, and for allowing me to grieve as a member of her family. You raised a beautiful daughter; she truly made the world a better place to be.
Thank you, Rae, for all of the goodness you brought into my life over the last six years. The chance to know and love you, and the chance to be known and loved by you were, and will continue to be, the greatest blessings I have ever received.