I had been having a hard time coming up with what I wanted to write about next. Writing about yourself can be tough. I have also always been really skeptical of personal blogs. Personally, I have never really been interested in reading some didactic post about how to live my life, so I’ll try to avoid doing that. Like I said in my bio, “take what you will, disregard what you must”. At the end of the day, this blog (especially the personal one) is an exercise in self-affirmation—a skill that I’m really just being introduced to. For someone with fairly low (but growing!) self-esteem, trusting my own experiences and feelings can be a challenge. This trust becomes especially tough when the people I’m expressing those feelings to disregard or belittle the way that I’m feeling. So, I guess in some way, writing this blog gives me the opportunity to share my thoughts and feelings to a silent audience, and to create a safe space for myself to feel and process the emotions/realizations that I have daily. On the days that I find myself questioning the legitimacy of my emotions and thoughts, reflecting back on this blog will help remind me of why I do what I do.
One of the things that I have been putting a lot of work into is boundary setting. I know, “boundary”—a word with some very negative connotations, although I’m not really sure why. I think that when we hear “boundary” we think of a line that is meant to separate us, a line intended to keep us apart and limit interaction. In the typical, geographical sense, that might be a true. Boundaries dictate what voting municipality we belong to, and what country we are a citizen of. Historically, boundaries have been improperly and unfairly used by people in positions of power to exploit minorities. One only needs to look at Canada’s tumultuous history with the First Nations population to understand what I mean.
So, I guess in that sense, the negative connotations that come along with the word “boundary” seem to be well justified. However, the boundaries that I am working to develop are unlike any geographical boundary. Instead of separating, these boundaries allow me to grow closer to the people I love and care about. Instead of exploiting, these boundaries are intended to protect me, the individuals around me, and the relationships that I have with those people. Let’s dive into that a bit.
In the past, I have had very poor boundary setting skills. Because of my “helper” tendencies, I often ingratiate myself to meet the needs of others. Ultimately this leads to me losing my sense of self, and sacrificing the pursuit of my own goals. Often, whatever I am trying to do to “help” is not enough to fix the problem. I’ve learned over the years that personal issues are typically best addressed by the individual experiencing them (not that that knowledge has stopped me from trying to help). When/if the problem does not get resolved, I’m left feeling exhausted and run-down. On top of that, the compromising of my identity leads me to question my self-worth and existential purpose. Becoming over-involved in a situation that I don’t have control over leaves me feeling empty, and that emptiness prevents me from showing up for other people that I care about. I guess that as intimidating as boundary setting can be, the thought of not being able to support the people I care about is even worse.
Boundaries don’t just apply to the people around me, but also to myself. For example, in this pandemic I have had to limit my media intake. The constant influx of information from conflicting sources has been overwhelming, and taking in too much of it puts me in a bad headspace. There are other things that I do that aren’t obviously boundaries, but fit the bill none-the-less. Things like going to bed at a decent time, waking up at a decent time, limiting the days of the week that I consume alcohol, limiting my take-out food intake, etc. All of these things don’t obviously scream “boundary”, but that’s what they are. They’re lines that I have drawn in order to allow me to grow closer to someone I love and care about—me.
For me, the hardest part of boundary setting is the boundaries that I have to set in my interpersonal relationships. Setting intrapersonal boundaries is not as challenging—at least until my intrapersonal boundaries conflict with my interpersonal relationships. I assume that this must be different for everyone, depending on their past experiences and overall perspective. While I have issues setting boundaries with others, I think that some people also have trouble setting boundaries for themselves. I can see how setting intrapersonal boundaries could feel like a limitation of freedom for some. Sometimes I feel that way, like the boundaries that I’m setting are infringing on another person’s freedom. In some ways, I suppose that is true to an extent.
Setting boundaries with other people has always (and probably will continue to be) a challenge for me. Generally, I’m a people pleaser, a “yes-man”. I want to make people happy, and I want to be wanted by others. However, because of a lack of boundary setting, my old version of “showing up” for others often led to an inability for me to show up for myself. To be completely honest, setting boundaries with other people scares me. I fear that they’ll get angry, turn their back on me, and that I will be left feeling abandoned and alone. So far, this hasn’t happened, but I think it will always be a possibility. Then I have to think, boundary setting is something that I do to protect myself and the relationships that I have with others. If someone in my life responds to my boundary setting with anger and aggression… is this really someone I want to have in my life anyway? I have to find solace in the fact that I am advocating for my own wellbeing; no matter the outcome, I show up for myself by setting boundaries.
For myself, my biggest and most challenging intrapersonal boundary is realizing when something is beyond my control. As a helper, I have a tendency to fix. This tendency pushes people away more than it brings them closer, and when things don’t work out I feel that I have personally failed myself and whoever else was involved. This leads to questioning my own self-worth, and then seeking affirmation of my self-worth through ingratiating myself for other people. Then begins the cycle, and each repetition drives me deeper and deeper into a pattern that is toxic to my mental and emotional health. It is my responsibility to stop the cycle, and I am learning how to do that a little bit better every day. I cannot fix other people; I can only support them along their own journey towards personal growth if (and only if) they choose to embark on that journey themselves.
My lack of a sense of intrinsic self-worth goes way back, and has been at least partially caused by a history of emotional and mental mistreatment. Additionally, this history has normalized disrespect and invalidation of my emotions. Not only have I come to expect these things as part of any relationship dynamic, I very rarely even notice when it is happening. If I express my feelings to another person and they question them, I automatically question the legitimacy of my feelings as well. Together with my therapist, I am working on self-validating before going into any kind of conversation. As she has said many times before, our emotions are a biological reaction and are beyond our control. However, our emotions may be based on facts that are incorrect. So, when going into a conversation about my feelings, I must first be able to see the situation from many different perspectives. That way I can reaffirm that what I am feeling is warranted, and I can clarify any miscommunications beforehand.
This is where the interpersonal boundary setting comes in. Obviously, not every boundary that I set applies to every person that I know. The more intimate relationship, the more important that some boundaries become. One particular boundary has become increasingly important in recent months: respect. I have thought a lot about this. Initially I thought that an expectation of validation was what I needed. However, validation is a skill that not all people have—I’m still learning myself. So, while I don’t expect validation, necessarily, I do expect an absence of invalidation. While not everyone has to understand how I feel or why I feel it, I believe that the people closest to me should at least be able to acknowledge that a given situation can elicit a multitude of different emotions depending on the individual responding. This particular boundary has doubled as a sort of “filter”; it has helped me to identify the people who are capable of growing alongside me.
My personal goals are focused on developing an intrinsic sense of self-worth and the skill of self-validation. To facilitate the achievement of these goals, it is extremely important that I have a supportive environment and social network. Boundary setting is tough, and this particular boundary has actually distanced me from some people I used to be close with. However, it has also brought me a lot closer to other people, and closer to myself. Creating boundaries allows me to pursue my personal growth. In the long run, this will allow me to show up for the people that I care about as the best version of Meg. My ultimate goal is to positively influence the lives of the people around me, and this is the most effective, sustainable way to do that.
Initially, I thought that setting boundaries would make me a worse [insert role here]. But ultimately, at the end of the day, setting boundaries will help me grow into the best friend, sister, daughter, employee, and human that I could ever hope to be.